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This is not meant to be crude.

It is strictly for your edification and enjoyment.

Before the Battle of Agincourt in 1415, the French, anticipatingvictory over the English, proposed to cut off the middle finger of all captured English soldiers. Without the middle finger, it would be impossible to draw the renowned English longbow and therefore be incapable of fighting in the future. This famous weapon was made of the native English Yew tree, and the act of drawing the longbow was known as "plucking the yew."

Much to the bewilderment of the French, the English won a major upset and began mocking the French by waving their middle fingers at the defeated French,saying, "See, we can still pluck yew! PLUCK YEW!"

Over the years, some 'folk etymologies' have grown up around this symbolic gesture. Since 'pluck yew' is rather difficult to say (like "pleasant mother pheasant plucker", which is who you had to go to for the feathers used on the arrows for the longbow), the difficult consonant cluster at the beginning has gradually changed to a labiodental fricative 'F', and thus the words often used in conjunction with the one-finger-salute are mistakenly thought to have something to do with an intimate encounter.

It is also because of the pheasant feathers on the arrows that the symbolic gesture is known as "giving the bird".

Ghost shit

the kind where you feel the shit come out but there is no shit in the toilet.

Clean shit

the kind where you shit it out, see it in the toilet, but there is nothing on the toilet paper.

Wet shit

the kind where you wipe your butt 50 times and it feels unwiped so you have to put some toilet paper between your butt and your underwear so you don't ruin your pants with a stain.

Second Wave

It happens when you're done shitting and you've pulled your pants up to your knees and you realize you have to shit some more.

Pop-a-vein-in-your-forehead shit

the kind where you strain so much you practically have a stroke.

Richard Simmons shit

you shit so much you lose 30 pounds.

Lincoln Log shit

the kind that is so huge you're afraid to flush without breaking it into little pieces with the toilet brush.

 Officer: "May I see your driver's license?"

 Driver: "I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI."

 Officer: "May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?

 Driver: "It's not my car. I stole it."

 Officer: "The car is stolen?"

-When Blue Collar workers get together, they talk about football...

-When Middle Management get together, they talk about tennis...

-When Top Management get together, they talk about golf...

 Logical Conclusion:

 -The higher up you are in management, the smaller your balls are.